in: Cows

Satanic Cow

Satanic Cow is a blood-red bull who wears a golden nose ring. Born in the wild as a distinctly meek bull, he was often persecuted by the other calves of his herd and eventually abandoned in young adulthood. Lost in the cold, he developed a terrible cough that grew to the point that it threatened his pathetic life. On the cusp of death, Satanic Cow turned to satanism, praying to the devil every night for good health and revenge on those who wronged him. On the sixth night, Satan answered his prayers and filled his veins with cough syrup as strong as he was weak—the strongest medicine ever created.

The cough medicine that pumps through Satanic Cow’s body not only cured him of his ailments, but also boosted his immune system to the point that he could turn bacteria into energy. His skin turned a blood-red colour, and he grew to become a powerful beast that could feel no pain. Drunk on his newfound strength, he scoured the cold plains until he found his old herd and slaughtered every one of them in the name of Satan as retribution for their treatment of him.

Career

At Covonia

In 1999, Satanic Cow, who now went by the name Stan (a tribute to Satan), was hired by Covonia, an English cough medicine and remedies manufacturer. He acted as their mascot, with his most popular appearance being in television commercials. However, he also took part in product development, where a new formula was created using samples of his blood. The new and improved cough medicine was the most effective on the market and boosted Covonia to great financial success.

Thanks to its notoriety, in 2020, Covonia was contracted to help develop the AstraZeneca vaccine for COVID-19. The company contributed to the endeavour a modified version of Stan’s blood, which was incredibly useful and saw the vaccine be praised as cheaper and easier to store than competing alternatives. However, the AstraZeneca vaccine’s reputation took a dive after fatal blood-clots arose as an uncommon side effect, and it was pulled from the market three years later.

As a public figure

Feeling guilt over the deaths caused by use of his blood in the AstraZeneca vaccine, Satanic Cow hypothesised that Satan had soured on their relationship due to a lull in his enthusiasm for satanism and had purposely meddled with the blood to ruin his image. Lacking the heart to kill again, Satanic Cow attempted to repair Satan’s trust by quitting his job at Covonia and becoming a public advocate for satanism on TikTok, where he gained a large following. To this day, Satanic Cow is still occasionally booked by conventions to appear for panels, signings, and photo opportunities.

Appearances

In Cow Review

Satanic Cow was featured on Cow Review in season 3 episode 6, impressing Josh with his devilish appearance. He was described as having “eye piercing red skin, horns that could take out an army”, and, aptly, a “nose ring that symbolises the fact he has killed in battle”. Josh admits to fearing Satanic Cow to his core, believing his strength could “break [...] through a brick wall without the aid of an elixir”, perhaps aware, or perhaps not, that Satanic Cow’s blood is all the elixir he would ever need, built right inside of him.

Josh continues to explain that he has seen illustrations of “cow gods” in ancient scripts, which leads him to question if Satanic Cow is “Satan himself or a mere copy”. This chain of logic implies not only that Satan is indeed a cow, but that there are more gods out there who are cows as well. It begs the question: If Lucifer is truly a heifer, could the lord of the divine also be bovine? However, Josh concludes by identifying that Satanic Cow is not actually Satan, but still rates him 7/10 despite being an imposter.