in: Shows

Cow Review

I review cows so you don't have to.

- Josh stating his virtuous intentions

Cow Review is a cow review show hosted by Josh and uploaded to the Josh's Cow Reviews YouTube channel and (former) TikTok account.

Format and release schedule

An episode of Cow Review consists of concise critique and assessment of one featured cow, which is almost always the sole visual on screen. At the end of each review the cow is assigned a rating out of 10. Episode 3 and onwards open with Josh's familiar greeting of "Hello and welcome back to Josh's Cow Review", and beginning in episode 8 the phrase is extended to assert that Cow Review is "the most trusted cow review show on the internet".

Classic Era

During the early days of Cow Review's airing, a typical episode of the show would run for around 15-20 seconds and the topic of Josh's commentary would never shift focus from the featured cow. Episodes were originally published daily, with episodes 2 and 3 releasing even closer on the very same day.

Kung Fu Fighting Era

Following episode 6, Cow Review went on unannounced hiatus from September 20th to October 15th 2020. Dedicated fans were upset by the lack of content during this time, which convinced Josh to include an apology at the beginning of episode 7 when the show finally returned, assuring his audience that he had continued to review cows in all of his spare time. Even after returning, the show did not resume its original daily upload schedule, following a looser release schedule with episodes coming out approximately every 3 weeks.

Starting in episode 7, the show underwent a format change which introduced a 42 second opening sequence consisting of Karate Cow on a green background performing martial arts to the Dave Ruffy & Mark Wallis Remix of Carl Douglas' Kung Fu Fighting, while white text reading 'Josh's Cow Reviews' floats on and off screen with various transitional effects. This addition along with the aid of more complex commentary and visuals raised the average runtime of episodes to around 1 minute and 10-25 seconds, meaning the actual commentary lasted around 25-40 seconds. Josh continues to welcome viewers at the start of each episode, but the greeting is now accompanied by an expanded graphic of the YouTube channel banner. This greeting segment may also include other messages Josh wants to convey to his audience, an example being episode 10, in which Josh announced the removal of the intro animation, explaining that he had received a number of complaints and waving goodbye to Karate Cow.

Modern Era

With episode 10's release, Josh vanished from the internet on another hiatus, this time lasting 9 months and ending on October 11th 2021 when he uploaded a trailer for season 2 of Cow Review. The trailer consists of cinematic shots of a cow running across various landscapes and finally arriving atop a waterfall, where the release date of "coming soon" is announced on screen.

One week later, episode 1 of the new season is published, which opens with another apology from Josh, this time the explanation being that he needed to sort out some issues regarding Operation M-00. Season 2 brought about the return of the original more focussed approach of the Classic Era while maintaining the more in-depth commentary of the Kung Fu Fighting Era, bringing typical episode durations to around 20-30 seconds, and reducing the gap between episode releases to approximately 1-2 weeks.

Josh vanished again after 4 episodes of season 2, starting the longest hiatus of all, coming in at over 1 year and 9 months. On September 15th 2023, the 3rd anniversary of Cow Review, Josh announced season 3 and stated that it would be "coming soon". Production wrapped one week later on September 22nd and Josh informed fans to "stay alert during the next few months". On October 16th, Josh uploaded the trailer for season 3, which uses a particularly energetic application of the fan-made highlight reel editing style popular within K-pop and similar fandoms. Pictures of cute cows covered in hearts and glitter fly around the screen on a pink background to the beat of a sped up version of Heart Attack by K-pop girl group Loona. Notably, this trailer was not edited by Josh.

Season 3 officially began a week later when episode 1 was uploaded on October 23rd, maintaining the format and style of season 2 with somehow worse audio quality.

Episode guide

Season 1

Season 2

Season 3

History of censorship

Review of Massive Milk Cow

Season 1 episode 3, the review of Massive Milk Cow, has been age restricted on YouTube. The reason for this action is most likely due to it's lightly sexual content, namely Josh lusting over her gigantic udders.

Review of Blep Cow

Season 1 episode 6, the review of Blep Cow, has been age restricted on YouTube. The reason for this action is unknown as the video does not contain particularly mature content, but it is speculated that Blep Cow herself used her pull over humanity to diminish the video's reach in an effort to reduce public attention being directed at her.

TikTok account

Some time after the conclusion of season 1, the Josh's Cow Reviews TikTok account vanished from the platform, with no known reason. It is speculated that the Chinese government personally intervened to stomp out the videos, but their motivation remains unspeculated.

Controversy

A common rumour that circulates online claims that Cow Review (although presented by Josh) is primarily or even entirely written by a ghost writer. The origin of the accusation is unknown and no further details are provided about the identity of said potential ghost writer, only that they supposedly provide the commentary and possibly even supply the cows featured in the reviews. Fuel was added to the fire of this rumour when it was confirmed that Josh did not personally edit together the trailer for season 3 of Cow Review.

Trivia

• Despite fan speculation that the description for every Cow Review YouTube upload ("I review cows so you don't have to") is a reference to the Nostalgia Critic's catchphrase ("I remember it so you don't have to"), Josh has denied having any knowledge of Doug Walker or Channel Awesome.
• The Cow Review YouTube channel received diminishing popularity every episode since it's debut until its hiatus between episode 6 and 7, which generated more interest in new episodes when the show returned.
• TikTok uploads of Cow Review near unanimously receive higher viewer numbers than their YouTube counterparts, with the only exception being episode 5 focussing on Skull Cow, which performed abnormally poorly for a TikTok upload and YouTube upload alike.