in: Cows

Car-Bound Cow

Car-Bound Cow (born 2017 - died 2022) earned her name from a famous image spread around the internet of two men looking perplexed at her tied to the top of a car.

Death

Cause

Wyn Wyn Farms is the joint venture of Wyn Owens and Owen Wyn, two men brought together by the marriage of their son and daughter respectively, a couple who first met at a cheese tasting. The dairy farm is located in the centre of Wales, where both families reside. Owens and Wyn became close friends following the pairing of their children and bonded over the ironically saddening news that their newborn grandson, Owen Owens, was lactose intolerant, and thus could not enjoy the dairy produce that led to his conception.

One night, while playing a game of Battleships together and watching the television, a news report informed them of a medical development at the Dublin University of Agricultural Sciences. Students at the university had accidentally stumbled across the cure for lactose intolerance while playing recklessly with supplies in their chemistry class. Being unable to recall the recipe that created it, a helicopter was promptly called to chauffeur the beaker containing the only quantity of the substance in existence to a medical laboratory in London to be tested for its chemical structure and reproduced in mass. Part way through the trip, an unknown dispute between the two staff members transporting the beaker escalated into a physical squabble that caused them to spill every drop of the serum out of the helicopter while it was flying over the Welsh countryside. A search team was sent to retrieve it, but no trace could be found and it was presumed to have been absorbed into the earth.

After the news report had concluded, Owens and Wyn turned to each other and hatched a plan which they carried out over the coming years. They bought the plot of land where the antidote was said to have landed and established a dairy farm, Wyn Wyn Farms. It is here that Car-Bound Cow was born and raised. At age five, she dropped dead while grazing on grass out in the field, prompting Owens to rush to her side, check her pulse, and begin cheering in celebration, alerting Wyn to join him. Car-Bound Cow had stumbled upon the patch of grass that grew exactly where the serum had landed, and promptly died as it was correctly presumed to be poisonous to cows. The men held each other’s hands and spun in circles dancing and singing. Car-Bound Cow was lifted atop and tied to the roof of Wyn’s car, earning her her namesake, and then driven across the UK to London, where the two had struck a deal to sell her to world-renowned chef Harvey Morenstein for £2.5 million on the condition that their grandson was to eat the finest cut of steak for free.

Funeral

The miracle meat was served at a special event for elite members of high society hosted on the private island of Blep Cow, a close friend of Morenstein. It is believed that Blep Cow’s motivation for hosting the feast was to accrue brand loyalty among the very wealthy lactose intolerant aristocrats who were soon to become lactose tolerant and potentially valuable customers of her own dairy product empire. Every morsel of Car-Bound Cow was enlisted for the high-concept dishes prepared by Morenstein, notably including her bone marrow, which was used in the Bordelaise sauce, and her eyes, which replaced olives in Blep Cow's martini. As promised, Owen Owens was in attendance of the event and was cured of his lactose intolerance, much to the pleasure of his grandfathers.

Appearances

In Cow Review

Car-Bound Cow was featured on Cow Review in season 3 episode 4, wherein Josh admits that, had he not been trained to have a “tough and masculine exterior”, this image would have “shaken him to his core”. He goes on to state that humans deserve to experience the same pain and torture that they have subjected his “brethren” (presumably cows) to since the beginning of earth. It is to be extrapolated from this statement that Josh considers himself to be a cow, which likely contributes towards the scorn he continually expresses toward humanity. He concludes by rating Car-Bound Cow a 5/10, explaining that despite not agreeing with the situation presented, he would consider it immoral to score her any lower given her sacrifice, describing her as a “soldier”.